i hate u i love u
by kypHe
Summary: Short two part one shot for Leah and Sam. Based off the song i hate u i love u by gnash and Olivia O'Brien.
1. Leah

She stood at the edge of the cliff with her eyes closed and her arms spread out as far as they could stretch, palms facing the sky. She took a deep breath, feeling her too-quick heart beating faster than normal in her chest. The wind whipped her short hair across her face, stinging her cheeks.

Like this, she could remember the pain. She could remember the love she felt and the hate she feels. The happiness she had and the sadness she now carried. She could remember the subtle slope of his deep brown, almost black, eyes and the way they would squint slightly when he smiled. His short black hair, soft like a dog's fur. His laugh, loud and full and so full of happiness. She took in a deep breath. As she released it, she opened her eyes and tilted her face to the sky, her tears running down into her hair right as the first drop of rain hit her cheek. And then it was pouring.

The irony was there. She could laugh it off—move on like everyone expected her to. Because honestly, what chance did she have now? He loved her, and she could never be her. Maybe she could have been once, a long time ago. Because he used to look at her the same way. Because he used to laugh like that with her. Because he used to love her like that. Now it seemed as though she didn't exist. He only had eyes for _her_ , like she was the only girl he'd ever seen.

How was it possible that he couldn't see how he was killing her?

Everyday, forced to stay and dying to leave, she had to watch him learn to love _her_ more than he'd ever loved anyone. She hated him so much. If she could so something, anything, she knew she would. She wouldn't skip a beat. Because somewhere deep down she knew that he had to still feel something for her. There was no way so many moments together could suddenly be so insignificant. So meaningless. There was no way he just suddenly didn't give a damn about her. But that was it. He didn't. He couldn't. He wasn't allowed to love her, even if he wanted to. She hated him. She loved him. There would never be anyone but him. And somewhere, deep down, she believed he loved her and he hated her, too. He needed _her_. He wanted _her_.

And Leah would never be her.


	2. Sam

She didn't know the pain. Or maybe she did. It wasn't the pain of having to see her love someone else. It was the pain of knowing that I ruined that for her. It was missing her in the little things, like her smile. I felt pain when she laughed, because it was so rare, and I knew it was my fault. I felt pain when she looked at me, because I could see the anger and longing in her eyes. In a way, we were connected. We weren't, and could never be, bound in the way she wanted. But her pain was my pain.

If there had ever been a moment presented to me that I'd missed to remind her how much I'd loved her and needed her, I felt in now, in moments like these when I was truly alone. When I truly had my mind to myself. It was always so crowded. I felt like there was no escape when that was all I wanted to. I wanted to run away, find some form of freedom with her—but we were both trapped.

I felt suffocated. My love and need for her outweighed reason. I couldn't lie to myself. I could lie to Emily and I could lie to Leah, and I could lie to the pack, but I'd never been very good at lying to myself. I needed Emily. My soul needed her. She was as much a part of me as I was a part of her. She is the other side of my heart—the piece that completes me. I feel whole in her presence. I feel loved. I feel happy.

But it's tainted. When I see Emily, I see Leah. I see them in each other. They have the same smile, and their eyes are the exact same shade of brown—almost black. They're skin is the same beautiful copper tone. Their hair is like rivers of jet black. Except Leah felt like she had to cut hers when she phased. Something broke inside of me when her thoughts entered my mind. In every way now, her pain truly was my pain.

Whenever I found myself alone like this, I cried. It felt like weakness, but it was all I could do. I could never tell Emily how I felt. It would break her heart, and there was only so much one person could take. I'd already ruined her relationship with Leah when they were like sisters. I'd scarred her for life in a fit of anger. I deserved every ounce of pain and regret I felt. She didn't deserve any of it. She deserved the love and happiness I tried give her for every second I still had air in my lungs.

And Leah deserved it, too. Except I couldn't give it to her like I could give it to Emily. I couldn't give her what she wanted. I couldn't give her what I'd been prepared to give her before my life was ruined. I thought I'd accepted this life. But in moments like these, when I was truly alone, I felt so far away. I felt like this was not where I was supposed to be. I was not supposed to love who I loved. I was not Sam Uley. I was a stranger trapped in Sam Uley's body. In these moments, I wanted to think that I could hate Leah. This couldn't be my fault, and I knew she had to believe that it was, that I'd had a choice. But even if I could think it, let her believe it, I didn't feel it. And I think she knew it. But I could never love her like she wanted me to love her.

I could never love her like _I_ wanted to love her.

* * *

 **AN: sorry it really is a _very_ short one-shot, but that's all i had to put on it. not to mention im a shitty writer. lololol. i just had an idea from that song. i highly recommend listening to it. even if you dont want to. do it. you dont even have to listen to it while you're reading because if you're reading this you've already finished reading the story. and if you are listening to the song, it's probably still playing because the story is so short you finished reading before the song stopped playing. oops. HA! anyway, i hope you liked it. it broke my heart to write but-you know. fanfiction is for the feels. even the sad feels. -s**


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